The Curse of Comparison
Photo by Vanesa Giaconi on Unsplash
I’ve been contemplating a lot lately - once upon a time I was convinced that if I wasn’t appearing to be “working” all the time then I was somehow either unworthy or worse yet going to get into trouble. This started of course in childhood. I would “bury my head in a book” to appear to be occupied so that I could escape having to do chores and more importantly so that I could leave my dysfunctional household even if it was only in my imagination and go into fantasy lands where magic was happening and good was winning over evil.
This idea of “looking good” and appearing to have a “good work ethic” followed me through school and out into the world of work and finally into my role as an entrepreneur. Unfortunately the behavior pattern ultimately ended up being highly detrimental to my physical, mental, emotional, spiritual and financial well being. I became so anxious to “appear like a success” that I ended up instead nearly destroying everything that was good in my life. Most of our success models are both outdated and dangerous and there are a whole lot of people making a whole lot of money touting the idea of GRINDING IT OUT. The theory/belief/thoughtform that’s being sold is “Just Do The Work and you will win like I am.”
But what if you’ve become confused about what it is you are really here to do and what your own actual authentic gifts, talents, skills and purpose are meant to be used for? What if you have your ladder up against the wrong wall? No amount of DOING THE WORK is going to get you to success if you are working against yourself or against what you were Divinely designed to do and be.
There’s a pretty entrenched belief out in the world that “Money Is The Root Of All Evil” but I’ve come to believe that’s not the case at all - rather I’ve found instead that it’s really ENVY that is the root of all evil. I’m coming to understand this better and more deeply as I have been steadily committed to unwinding from the cultural, societal and familial conditioning that had me believe I needed to be in the competition and comparison game.
When you make a life of constantly looking at what someone else has and secretly or overtly wanting it for yourself I’ve discovered that a few things happen. First - and I really believe this to be true - if you want what someone else has then you damn well better be willing to experience what they experienced to get there which can include taking on their karma. Now I don’t know about you but I’m really all set with my own karma thanks very much!. The second thing that happens is you actually DISS & MISS your own life.
When you curse yourself with comparison you are never going to win. Ever. You are however going to lose, a LOT. You are going to lose sight of your own gifts, skills, experiences, talents and the unique aspects of yourself that actually make you you. You are going to lose respect and the ability to make authentic and genuine connections with others. Why would another respect and love you as you are when you are busy using every ounce of your life force, imagination, energy, time and attention attempting to be and become someone else?
I once wanted so bad to be a boy. The way I saw it the boys had all the luck. They got to pretty much do whatever they wanted. They got the power, the respect, the money, the success, the accolades. Male bodied people were “the favored” in my view of reality. And as a result of that view what I created for myself was the Curse of Comparison. The curse where no matter what I did I could NEVER EVER be good enough, measure up, be part of the boys club, WIN in the game of life.
It’s taken many many trips around the sun and a whole lot of inner work to detangle myself from this mess. The biggest challenge has been really getting up underneath the subtle, yet pervasive, thoughts and actions that I’ve come to discover have put up a repellant wall all around me that has not only been off-putting to authentic connection with other people but has also been contributing to years of singlehood and a great lack of physical touch (which is actually my highest rank “Love Language”).
I didn’t just compare myself to the boys. I did it with the girls too. I’d never have the sexy, full, bouncy beautiful hair that they have in the commercials. I’d never have the flat stomach. I could BUY the bigger boobs but I didn’t do that, thankfully (now that I’m seeing so many women explanting because of drastic impacts on their health). I’d never be the one that the “hot guy” chose because I was too dorky or too smart or too much or not enough in one or more areas. It’s a disease this curse of comparison.
Frankly, it’s also NOT WORKING in so many ways. Our entire social fabric is built on these lies of “keeping up with the latest fashions, styles, brands, trends”. We continue to perpetuate the comparison curse that keeps the engines running at high speed on the consumption fueled economic systems.
It’s time for a reset. Here are some of the things that I have been doing to understand for myself where I have misplaced my time, energy, attention & money in the constantly churning curse of comparison game I’ve been playing and what I’m doing now to STOP and to find out exactly who I am and what I value without this programming running the show:
1) Ask myself WHAT’S NOT WORKING (This is step one of the Wealthy Life Method) - being on the hamster wheel of constant comparison and colluding with the consumption at all costs economic system is one thing that immediately comes to mind.
2) Ask myself WHAT DO I WANT INSTEAD (This is step two of the Wealthy Life Method) - I want to connect. With myself first. I want to acknowledge that I am unique and gifted and exactly as I am and that while I’m always going to change and grow I can do that NATURALLY rather than creating artificial reasons for taking action. I want to live from INSPIRATION and to no longer be seduced by the culture of busy. We have had a whole year to attune to a slower and more inwardly focused way of life. Will we as a collective humanity come out of the pandemic wiser or will we go right back to the “old ways” that are really ready to die and be left in the past.
3) Ask myself - WHAT DO I VALUE? (This is step 3 of the Wealthy Life Method) - This takes time - really it does - because a lot of what we THINK we value is just imprinted conditioning from our culture, family, local environment of the region we live in, societal programming from the media and other power structures and religious systems. One thing I have come to value is that I am gifted. I have many gifts - and I am sure you do too. I spent one afternoon a few years ago having a “wake up & smell the roses” moment where I realized I had been DEVALUING my own gifts because I was COVETING the giftedness of others. I gave myself the task of enumerating all the gifts I carry that I could think of and then I anchored those gifts into a stone that I carry in my magic medicine bundle as a symbol of honoring them.
When you think about yourself - your life and how you are living it now - ask yourself these three questions and discover what you find are your answers. Remember YOU are a unique, exquisite, beautiful being. You are here on this planet to simply and joyfully BE YOU. Break the curse of comparison - you can do it - just choose.
I’d be delighted to see if it’s a fit for us to work together to support you to be able to shed all that no longer serves and to activate confidence and commitment to being your own most beautiful self. That may even include bringing a long held (but secretly in hiding) vision into fruition! Is NOW the time for you to step into the creation of your own Wealthy Life By Design?? If you feel the calling to explore what’s possible when you let go, look in and leverage your own highest gifts then I invite you to apply for a Wealthy Life By Design Clarity Consultation with me. If you qualify my team will be in touch to get you in the schedule!